Nervous System Regulation: How to Recognize Early Signals and Return to Safety

By: Shelley McInroy, BetterYou.coach

In This Article:

Understanding the Body’s Subtle Signals

You’re sitting in a café. The coffee’s warm in your hands, the world around you looks calm. And yet, something in you is buzzing — quiet, subtle, like a whisper you can’t quite catch. You glance around. Nothing’s wrong, but it doesn’t feel quite right either.

That whisper — hard to name, easy to dismiss — is your internal safety system speaking.
Have you ever felt slightly off — not panicked, not even stressed, just… uneasy? You can’t quite explain it, but something doesn’t feel settled.

The Day My Nervous System Detected Danger Before My Mind

A few years ago, I was driving to work in the winter. It was mid-morning. I crested a hill and began the trek through a winding stretch of road that alternates between patches of sun and shade — notorious for developing black ice.

On this particular morning, the road looked completely clear.

As I approached an S-bend, suddenly, I felt the hair go up on the back of my neck. My scalp prickled. My heart started to thump. Seconds later, my car hit black ice, spun 180 degrees, and began sliding sideways. I looked into the eyes of the driver behind me just before my car hit the barrier, flipped, and somersaulted down the bank.

Afterwards, there were no signs that a crash had happened. No skid marks. No broken glass. Just a damaged guardrail and a nervous system that had known — before my mind did — that something was about to go wrong.

Recognizing Early Nervous System Signals

Maybe you’ve never been in a car crash, but you’ve felt that same quiet inner signal before:
Before a difficult conversation. A job interview. A strange pause in a loved one’s voice.
A moment when something shifted — and your body noticed, even before your mind could catch up.

That whisper is your nervous system speaking. Not necessarily shouting in alarm — just gently alerting you. Asking for attention, soothing, or safety. These signals aren’t random. They come from deep, instinctive patterns — the ways your body has learned to protect you.

Survival States: Your Nervous System’s Way of Protecting You

We often think of the nervous system as something distant or “medical,” but it’s profoundly personal. These are survival responses — automatic, instinctive, deeply human. They aren’t personality flaws or weaknesses. They’re patterns that developed to help us cope with the world. They show us how our body has adapted to navigate a world that hasn’t always felt safe. Even though we aren’t running from any sabre tooth tigers, we are still geared towards survival.

Common nervous system states, and how they might show up:

• Your heart racing before you get up to give a presentation or a speech.
• The tightening in your stomach when someone raises their voice.
• Your breath to shorten in traffic
• Your stomach to turn before a difficult conversation
• The tightening in your stomach when someone raises their voice
• The way your mind goes blank in the middle of an argument.

Over time, these responses become patterns — protective shapes we take on in order to survive, to belong, to be okay.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn Explained

These responses — fight, flight, freeze, and fawn — are not just clinical terms. They’re ways your body has learned to protect you. You’ve likely felt them before, even if you didn’t name them at the time. Many of you may already know what they mean.

• Fight might look like irritation snapping at the surface, or a sudden defensiveness when you feel cornered. You’re not trying to be difficult — you’re trying to protect yourself.
• Flight can show up as overworking, anxious perfectionism, or the constant sense that if you just keep moving, nothing will catch up to you.
• Freeze might feel like numbness, brain fog, or zoning out in the middle of a conversation. Your body’s still here, but your mind retreats — a pause that once kept you safe.
• Fawn is often the hardest to recognise — it’s people-pleasing, over-apologising, struggling to say no. It’s the body’s way of preserving connection, even at a cost to yourself.

You might see echoes of these in children too — in tantrums, daydreaming, defiance, or the desperate eagerness to please. It’s not misbehaviour. It’s survival.

These aren’t personality flaws. They’re deeply intelligent responses. They formed in the places where you didn’t feel safe — and in many ways, they’ve kept you going.

And the beauty is: if your body learned these patterns, it can also learn how to soften them.

So, what is nervous system regulation, really?

We often think “nervous system regulation” means being calm all the time. But it doesn’t.

Regulation means being able to move between states of activation (like stress or energy) and rest (like calm or stillness) without getting stuck. It’s about having range and resilience, not perfection.

It looks like:

• Taking a deep breath before replying in anger.
• Grounding yourself after hearing difficult news.
• Stepping out of people-pleasing and into choice.

Regulation is not a fixed perfect state — it’s a process of returning to inner safety and balance. A coming back. A soft landing. It doesn’t mean nothing ever rattles you. It means that when something does, you can find your way home again.

Journal Prompt

Which of these patterns do I recognise in myself — at work, at home, or in relationships?
Can I begin to see them as intelligent ways my body tried to help me feel safe?

Your Nervous System Is Always Listening

Our bodies are constantly scanning the world around us — and within us — asking one simple question:
Am I safe?

This moment-by-moment assessment happens below conscious awareness. Dr Stephen Porges, who developed Polyvagal Theory, calls it neuroception — our nervous system’s ability to detect safety or danger without us needing to think about it.

You’ve likely felt this:

• The sudden unease walking into a room, even when no one’s said a word.
• The deep exhale when you’re with someone who just “gets you.”
• The tension that rises when someone raises their voice, even if they’re not angry.

These are not irrational reactions — they’re your nervous system’s way of protecting you.

Polyvagal Theory gives language to this. It explains how our vagus nerve (a key part of our autonomic nervous system) is wired to detect safety, threat, and danger — and to respond through three main states:

The Three Main States – A Polyvagal Overview

Nervous System State	Description	Nervous System Response
Ventral Vagal (Safe & Social)	You feel connected, calm, curious.	Regulated. Engaged. Able to relate.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight)	You feel activated — anxious, angry, urgent.	Mobilised to protect or escape.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Collapse)	You feel numb, distant, or flat.	System slows to conserve energy. Disconnection.

We move through these states all day long. The goal isn’t to stay in one place — it’s to notice, support, and return to balance when needed.

🌿Gentle reminder: If you find yourself constantly “on edge” or disconnected, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your nervous system has been working overtime to keep you safe.

What is the Window of Tolerance?

Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel and expanded by Pat Ogden, the window of tolerance is the range in which you can function well — feel, think, connect, and respond — without being overwhelmed or shut down.

When you’re inside the window, you’re:

• Present
• Resilient
• Able to make choices, not just react

When you fall outside of it:

• You may feel hyper-aroused — anxious, overwhelmed, scattered
• Or hypo-aroused — numb, flat, disconnected

The goal is never to live inside the window 100% of the time. The goal is to build capacity to notice when you’re outside it — and to come back.

You Don’t Have to Regulate Alone

While self-regulation is a valuable skill, co-regulation often comes first.
Before we can soothe ourselves, many of us had to learn — or unlearn — how to be soothed by another.

Co-regulation is the nervous system’s natural way of settling through connection — with someone who feels present, safe, and attuned.

It happens when:

• A friend’s steady voice helps calm your racing thoughts.
• A child climbs into your lap after a meltdown — and breathes easier.
• Your partner mirrors your emotion with warmth, not fear.

In fact, our early wiring for regulation develops through these moments. This is why therapy, parenting, and relationships can be profound spaces for nervous system repair — not through words alone, but through the way we show up for each other’s bodies.

Sometimes, your calm presence is the regulation someone else didn’t know they needed. Co-regulation is also what makes therapy so powerful. As a trauma-informed coach, I help clients gently rebuild their capacity for connection and safety.

🌀 Regulation in Action – A simple exercise

Take a moment now:

• Let your shoulders drop.
• Breathe in slowly for four counts.
• Hold for a beat.
• Exhale through your mouth for six.

Notice what shifts — even a little.

This is a moment of regulation. A moment of returning to your comfort zone.

This practice might feel simple — but that’s the beauty of it. Regulation often begins with noticing the smallest shift.

If you’re looking for a deeper quick reset, download Counsellor Shelley’s free guided reset here.

Journal Prompt

When have I overridden my body’s signals in order to “cope” or be accepted?
What might regulation have looked like instead — even in a small way?

My Wish For You

Dear Reader,
If you felt something stir — even just a breath of recognition — trust that.
That’s your system working.
That’s your body reminding you: I’m here. I’ve always been here.

Regulation isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection.
To yourself. To what’s real.

You are already on the path — because you’re paying attention.

Every time you soften, pause, or choose kindness over control, you’re creating safety — not just for your nervous system, but for the people around you too.

Keep listening. Your body knows the way back.

With care and respect,
Shelley

References & Further Reading

*A note from us: Some of the links below are affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, we may receive a small thank-you commission — at no extra cost to you. We only share books and resources we truly believe can support your growth and well-being.

• Siegel, D. J. (1999). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press. Origin of the “window of tolerance” concept.
• Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. Norton. Expands on the window of tolerance and somatic responses.
• Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books. Foundational work on how trauma resides in the body.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton. Introduces the polyvagal theory and its role in understanding safety and threat.
• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. A popular exploration of how trauma impacts the nervous system.