You Haven’t Lost Your Mind…Or Yourself

What perimenopause is really doing to your confidence, your body, and your sense of self — and what actually helps

Something shifts. You can’t quite name it, but you feel it every single day.

Maybe you used to walk into a room knowing exactly who you were. Now you walk in and wonder where she went.

Maybe your brain used to be sharp, and now words disappear mid-sentence.

Maybe you’ve started crying at things that never used to move you — or you’ve stopped feeling much of anything at all.

Maybe your husband looked at you one day and said, “You’ve lost your confidence. What happened?” And you didn’t have an answer.

“I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go back to the way I was.” —Coach Joyce Erickson

If any of this sounds like your life, you are in the right place. Not because there is a quick fix — there isn’t. But because what you are going through has a name, a reason, and a way forward. You are not broken. You are not just getting older. And you are absolutely not losing your mind.

This article is the conversation that most people are still too afraid to have. Let’s have it.

In This Article

It Is Not Just Hot Flashes — And It Is Not Just Physical

Most of us grew up hearing that menopause means hot flashes. Maybe night sweats. Maybe some mood swings. What almost nobody told us is that perimenopause — the transition phase that can begin as early as your mid-30s and last up to ten years — affects virtually every system in your body.

Estrogen receptors exist throughout the brain, including in the areas that control mood, memory, and how we think. When estrogen starts to fluctuate and fall, it doesn’t just cause physical symptoms. It changes how you process thoughts, how you feel about yourself, and how you show up in the world.¹

Here is a partial list of what perimenopause can actually cause — most of which nobody warned us about:

• Cold flashes — yes, cold, not just hot
• New allergies appearing out of nowhere
• Brain fog, difficulty concentrating, forgetting words mid-sentence
• Frozen shoulder, changes in digestion, vaginal dryness, incontinence
• Heightened anxiety that seems to arrive without cause
• ADHD-like symptoms surfacing for the very first time
• Achy joints, dry skin, and changes to your body’s shape
• A quiet erosion of confidence and self-worth
• Real grief — a sadness for the body and certainty you used to have
• Changes in how you show up in your closest relationships
• A deep sense that you are becoming someone you don’t yet recognize
• And so much more…basically if something new comes up and you’re over 35, it could be perimenopause

94% of women received no education about perimenopause in school

90% of perimenopausal women surveyed felt not informed at all when it began

Those numbers come from peer-reviewed research on thousands of women — not anecdote.² Women who enter perimenopause without information are far more likely to lose confidence in themselves, have their symptoms dismissed, and spend months or years believing something is catastrophically wrong.

The problem is not you. The information gap is.

What Is Actually Happening to Your Sense of Self

One of the most painful and least-talked-about effects of perimenopause is the quiet disappearance of confidence. Women who were capable, clear-headed, and self-assured describe a creeping doubt. Questions they never used to ask themselves begin surfacing daily.

“Am I still good at my job?”
“Did I just forget that in a meeting?”
“Why can’t I go back to the way I was?”

Research published in StatPearls finds that up to 70% of women experience psychological symptoms during perimenopause and menopause — including loss of self-esteem and confidence.³ Perimenopausal women also have a 40% higher risk of depression symptoms compared to premenopausal women.⁴

But here is the most important thing to understand: the confidence you feel you have lost is not gone. It is reorganizing.

“The confidence is realigning to yourself — from all the experience you now have. Take it as your strength.” — Coach Sarah Rajkumar

You Are in the Chrysalis — Not Falling Apart

The caterpillar does not gently grow wings. It enters a chrysalis and dissolves — every structure in its body breaking down so that something entirely new can be built from the inside out. And here is the part most people leave out: when the butterfly is finally ready to emerge, it has to struggle. If someone cuts the chrysalis open to help, the butterfly’s wings are too weak to carry it. The struggle is not the problem. The struggle is the strengthening.

Perimenopause is the chrysalis. The woman on the other side is not a lesser version of who you were.

She is the version your whole life has been preparing you to become.

When the Medical System Falls Short — And What You Can Do

If you have sat in a doctor’s office and been told to ‘push through’ or ‘that’s just part of getting older,’ you are not alone. About 80% of OB/GYNs have received no dedicated menopause training.⁵ Only 49% of women in perimenopause have ever spoken to a health professional about it.⁶

That is not your failure. It is a gap in the system.

Brain Fog Is Not Dementia — Say This Out Loud

This one needs to be said clearly because too many women are carrying this fear in silence. Forgetting names, losing words mid-sentence, walking into a room and not knowing why you are there — these are recognized, documented symptoms of hormonal transition. They are not early signs of dementia. They are not proof that you are becoming less capable.

70% of women experience psychological symptoms during perimenopause including memory issues and loss of confidence — per StatPearls

“Brain fog does not mean dementia. You will forget the names. It is part of it.” — Coach Sarah Rajkumar

Estrogen receptors sit in the brain regions that handle memory and processing. When estrogen fluctuates, so do those functions. For most women, these symptoms ease significantly as hormones stabilize. You are allowed to stop being afraid of this.

What Actually Helps

The landscape for support has changed enormously in recent years. Here is what both research and lived experience point to:

• Certified Menopause Practitioners — they exist in more communities than you may realize; search your province or state
• Naturopathic doctors and women’s health specialists who take the full picture seriously
• Diet shifts — increasing protein, resistance training, and cutting processed foods all have evidence behind them
• Acupuncture, breathwork, and targeted natural supplements — growing research support
• Community — women who are in it, or have been, are often the most useful resource available
• Coaching — not to replace medical support, but to address the identity, career, and relationship dimensions your doctor won’t have framework for

If you are dismissed, seek a second opinion. Document your symptoms clearly. You are your best advocate, and…

you have every right to be heard.

It Is Not Just Hormones. It Is Who You Are Becoming.

Perimenopause rarely arrives alone. It tends to show up at the same time as other enormous life shifts: children leaving home, career questions surfacing, parents aging, a relationship that feels different, or a quiet inner voice that has been patient for a very long time finally saying: this is not enough anymore.

The identity shift of this stage is real, and it is documented. It is not a malfunction you can medicate away. It is a process. A becoming. And it has been happening to women for as long as women have existed — we have just stopped talking about it.

The Grief Nobody Warns You About

Part of this process is real grief. A sadness for the body you used to know, the certainty you used to carry, the woman you were before all of this started. That grief is not weakness. It is not self-pity. It is the healthy and necessary price of moving from one version of yourself to the next.

“There is a piece of this that you need to grieve before you can become the new.”— Coach Doris Efford

You cannot skip the grief and arrive at the transformation. They are the same journey. Give yourself grace. You are changing in ways that have no roadmap. The fact that you are still showing up is worth something.

The Big Decisions — Impulsivity or Clarity?

Research suggests that a significant portion of marriage breakdowns in the 40–55 age range are linked to the perimenopause transition, with many of those separations initiated by women. And when women make big decisions at this stage — leaving jobs, ending relationships, reinventing careers — the question that matters most is not whether it’s impulsive or wise. It can honestly be either. Or both.

Clarity: Many women at this stage have finally stopped conforming to things that never served them. They are putting on their own oxygen mask first. That is not recklessness — it is hard-earned self-knowledge.

Hormonal low: Hormonal changes genuinely affect mood and decision-making. A choice made at the bottom of a difficult hormonal cycle may look and feel very different three weeks later.

The most useful question before any major decision is simply: in my quietest and clearest moments, is this what I actually want? Not what feels urgent right now — but what I genuinely want. Let that be your compass.

On the Other Side of the Chrysalis

Ancient cultures understood something about women at this stage of life that modern society has largely forgotten. Many traditions recognised three phases: the maiden, the mother, and the crone — and the crone was not a figure of decline. She was the wise woman. The healer. The one the whole village turned to, because she had seen and survived and synthesised more than anyone else.

We have moved a long way from that. We live in a culture that treats women as increasingly invisible after a certain age — one that sideliness women at the exact moment they are becoming most powerful and most themselves.

“We are making a mistake in this society to dismiss the more senior members… the women.” — Counsellor Shelley McInroy

What Abundance Looks Like Now

What women find on the other side of the hardest part of this transition is not simply ‘feeling better.’ It is something richer and more permanent.

Abundance of authority. The freedom from needing approval that comes from having finally earned your own trust. You stop asking whether the other butterflies like you. You just are the butterfly.

Abundance of emotional range. Having moved through grief, anger, frustration, and uncertainty — and come through — you carry a depth of emotional understanding that cannot be taught or rushed. You have learned to respond instead of react. That is enormous.

Abundance of self-trust.

“I have become so confident in myself because I have gone through all that — and I am still standing here, showing up to my full self. That IS the butterfly.” — Coach Sarah Rajkumar

That woman exists on the other side of what you are going through right now. The struggle is not in the way. The struggle is the way.

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You Will Not Be Dismissed Pledge

The women who come out of this transition most strongly are NOT the ones who suffered quietly. They are the ones who found community, advocated for themselves, named what was happening, and refused to be told it was nothing.

They talked to their daughters. They found the practitioners who trained for this. They sought support that actually fit them — not a generic programme, not a one-size answer, but real guidance from someone who understands exactly where they are.

Make a pledge with yourself right now: You will not be dismissed. Not by the system. Not by society. Not by yourself.

You are not going downhill. You are not becoming invisible. You are not at the end of something. You are at the beginning of the most self-aware, fully-embodied version of yourself that has ever existed. You earned this. You deserve support that fits.

Your Questions, Answered

How do I know if I’m in perimenopause or if something else is wrong?

Perimenopause typically begins in the mid-40s but can start as early as the mid-30s.⁷ Key signs include changes to your menstrual cycle combined with mood shifts, brain fog, sleep disruption, or anxiety. The most reliable path is hormone level testing — ask specifically for FSH, LH, estrogen, and thyroid panels. If your doctor dismisses you, seek a certified menopause practitioner or a naturopath specializing in women’s health.

Is my brain fog a sign of early dementia?

Almost certainly not. Cognitive changes during perimenopause — forgetting names, losing words, difficulty concentrating — are recognized hormonal symptoms. Estrogen receptors exist in the brain regions responsible for memory and processing. When estrogen fluctuates, those functions are affected. For the vast majority of women, these symptoms improve as hormones stabilize. If you are concerned, speak to your doctor. But please do not spend months in quiet terror when there is a well-established hormonal explanation.

Can a coach actually help with perimenopause?

A coach is not a doctor and cannot provide medical treatment. But perimenopause is not purely a medical experience. It is also an identity experience, a relationship experience, a career experience, and an emotional one. A coach helps you navigate those dimensions — the confidence loss, the big decisions, the grief, the figuring out who you are now and what you actually want. Many women find coaching to be the missing piece that medical support alone cannot address.

How long does perimenopause last?

Perimenopause typically lasts four to eight years, though it can be shorter or longer.⁸ Menopause itself is defined as 12 consecutive months without a period, occurring on average around age 51. The postmenopausal phase follows for the rest of a woman’s life, and most symptoms reduce significantly once the hormonal transition is complete.

How do I talk to my daughter about perimenopause?

Directly and early. The generational silence around this topic has cost women decades of unnecessary confusion and suffering. The more your daughter knows before she gets there, the better she will be able to recognize her own symptoms, advocate for herself, and avoid spending months believing she is going crazy. Treat it the way we now treat puberty — as a known, named, normal transition that deserves real information and real conversation.

About the BetterYou Coaches

This article draws on a real conversation between five coaches at BetterYou.coach — a coaching network dedicated to helping women thrive as their version of a better self.

• Coach Doris (Host): Known as the Chaos Calmer, Coach Doris Efford is a Life Alignment Coach at BetterYou.coach, helping busy women create order, calm, and clarity in their lives——one phase-at-a-time.
• Counsellor Shelley: Shelley McInroy is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor (RTC, ACCT) and Mental Wellness Coach at BetterYou.coach, offering a gentle, trauma-informed space to support women through anxiety, grief, burnout, and life transitions.
• Coach Tiffany: Tiffany Bayne (CLC, CHT, RSW) is a Mindset Coach and Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist at BetterYou.coach who helps women break through self-doubt and limiting belief blocks.
• Coach Joyce: Is known as the Happiness Igniter — a Happiness and Harmony Coach, Joyce Erickson helps women rediscover joy, rebuild presence, and bring lightness back into their everyday lives.
• Coach Sarah: is BetterYou.coach’s Transformational Leadership Coach. Sarah Rajkumar helps women step boldly into leadership and build businesses aligned with their purpose — through her signature Leadership with Love™ method.

Further Reading

1. Peacock K, Carlson K, Ketvertis KM. ‘Menopause.’ StatPearls [Internet]. NCBI Bookshelf, NBK507826. Updated December 2023. Estrogen receptors in brain regions regulating mood and cognition; fluctuation in estrogen directly affects concentration, memory and self-perception. ↩︎
2. Harper JC, et al. ‘An online survey of perimenopausal women to determine their attitudes and knowledge of the menopause.’ PMC9244939, 2022. Study of 947 perimenopausal women: 90% had never been taught about menopause; over 60% felt not informed at all. Confidence and self-worth described as profoundly impacted by lack of education. ↩︎
3. Peacock K, Carlson K, Ketvertis KM. ‘Menopause.’ StatPearls NBK507826. Up to 70% of women experience psychogenic symptoms including loss of self-esteem and confidence. ↩︎
4. Midi Health. ‘Menopause Statistics, Facts & Latest Research.’ joinmidi.com, December 2024. Perimenopausal women have 40% higher risk of depression symptoms vs. premenopausal women, per peer-reviewed research. ↩︎
5. Midi Health. ‘Menopause Statistics, Facts & Latest Research.’ joinmidi.com, December 2024. Approximately 80% of OB/GYNs have not received dedicated menopause training. ↩︎
6. Midi Health. ‘Menopause Statistics, Facts & Latest Research.’ joinmidi.com, December 2024. Only 49% of women in perimenopause have spoken to a health professional about menopause. ↩︎
7. Characterization and Treatment Patterns of Peri/Menopausal Women. PMC12413248. Symptoms of perimenopause typically begin in a woman’s mid to late 40s and may last 4–8 years. Most women experience menopause between ages 45 and 58 (average 51–52).Characterization and Treatment Patterns of Peri/Menopausal Women. PMC12413248. Symptoms of perimenopause typically begin in a woman’s mid to late 40s and may last 4–8 years. Most women experience menopause between ages 45 and 58 (average 51–52). ↩︎
8. Characterization and Treatment Patterns. PMC12413248. Perimenopause typically lasts 4–8 years. Postmenopause follows the final menstrual period, which marks the end of the menopausal transition. ↩︎

Disclaimer

BetterYou.coach is a coaching network that matches people with their next right coach. We believe you’re not broken, you’re just human. And sometimes humans need support to thrive.
The Better You Show and any content posted by BetterYou.coach, Doris Efford, and/or any agents of BetterYou.coach is presented solely for general informational, educational, and  entertainment purposes. The use of information from the aforementioned sources or materials linked is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of any professional and/or individualized advice. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining professional advice for their individual condition or situation.

For personalized coaching, contact BetterYou.coach